Laurent Derrier

In Which: Our Hero Samples The Delights Of A Well Stocked Bar, And As Such Harps On Endlessly About His Pretensions For Champagne.

Had a bit of a boozy evening yesterday, as the pumps were installed at The Wine Cellar, all of the beers of course had to be tested. The beers we had pints of:

Staropramen
Kriek Strawberry beer
Becks Vier
Stella Artois
Stellar 4 (shit version of the above?)
Franzikran or some other such name
Staropramen (again) (lovely)

To celebrate getting through each of the beers, we opened a bottle of Laurent Perrier Rose. Now in general I don't drink beer. I will happily drink ale and bitter etc., but I can't really handle the fizz in beer, it makes me belch endlessly and of course the day after make me fart like a twenty year old datshund. It gives me horrible hang-overs and by the second pint makes me feel full, bloated, sick and angry. The only minor consolation in drinking a couple of pints of lager is the gush of relief you feel the next morning as you relieve the several atmospheres of gaseous pressure in your stomach with a deft insertion of your forefinger and a merrily eyewatering high-speed spew.

The only reason I ever say I like beer is because I once saw a video of Malcolm Gluck reporting on beer, and it was so pig-headed and fatuous in his adamant and generally uninformed hatred of it that it made me want to unequivocally support everything beer just to contradict him. Aquick google search tells me the video is here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/video/2009/feb/06/gluck-cole-wine-beer

Hilariously Malcolm Gluck described himself along the lines of fighting for the ordinary wine drinker, against perceived snobbery and stuffiness in the wine industry. Just watch that video and enjoy what looks like a monk who's just been dragged through a Save the Children shop in 1982 wax less-than-lyrical about why he's right and everybody else is wrong, and stupid to boot.

Anyway. I can't stand lager because for the most part it is tasteless, and too fizzy. Franzikaren is a wheat beer, which I thouroughly enjoy, and the thickness of it detracts from the fizz. Staropramen is a lovely inbewteener of lager and wheat beer I suppose. Stella and Becks vier are standard, and Stella 4 disgusting. But the least appealing drink of the evening was the Laurent Perrier Rose. Strange really, considering it is about 25 times more expensive than any of the beers I tried. And I don't even like beer.

The point is, the Champagne is so designed - geared - towards young girls who want to actually taste something when they drink it, that everything about the Champagne is overblown. It's too sparkling. Interestingly it's the only Grande-Marque rosé which is made from 100% Pinot Noir that is macerated for a short while, rather than blended red and white wines.

People are so fucking stupid to buy some of this crap. There is a lot of Champagne out there which is leagues better than most sparkling wine - anyone who thinks Cava can taste as good as it is an idiot - but it's also ridiculously expensive. The problem is, there's also loads of Champagne out there which is worse than most supermarket Cava, but it's still turdingly dear.

The real quality Champagne is not overly fizzy or bright pink, it's light, enduring and subtle. Laurent Perrier is just another example of standard quality and mass production methods, with scary amounts of money behind it that can be spent on advertising.

Bleugh.